So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
