I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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