i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
