Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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