I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
