we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
