You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
