I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
