Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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