ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
