My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize