Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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