I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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