im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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