You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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