sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
