So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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