I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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