theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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