Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize