I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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