Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
