i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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