I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
