sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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