well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize