ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
