my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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