I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
