if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
