Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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