At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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