Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
