what if every blade of grass was a penis?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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