Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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