my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
