So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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