my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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