3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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