I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
