Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
