can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
