I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize