Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
