hotel room ftw
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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