my phone needs a breathalizer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
