i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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