I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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