I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Terrible idea I love it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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