yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize