Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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