thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
40s are totally the cure
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
