I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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