I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
